I didn’t miss my kids, and that’s OK
Jul 27, 2009 What's Going On
I finally got back home a few hours ago from Chicago and the BlogHer ’09 conference. I say finally because I was supposed to be home yesterday evening. But weather and some rather strict FAA rules about pilots not falling asleep in the cockpit prevented us from taking off. So, my husband had to be massively late for work today in order to drive the camp carpool, while I traipsed through security for the second time in two days at the same airport, once again sacrificing an un-opened bottle of water (I don’t normally have that much trouble remembering rules, but this one makes no sense so it won’t stick in my head).
The weekend was great. There were ups and downs and scandals and other things that I may or may not go into later – I’m never really sure who my audience is, so I’m never really sure how much behind-the-scenes stuff I should go into if I don’t want to bore my readers to tears. But one thing that pretty much all of us had to deal with while being in Chicago was not being with our kids.
I saw a lot of tweets about missing kids. One poor woman sobbed on Saturday night after finding out that her daughter had been asking for her. I listened in as my roommate read Harry Potter to her kids over the phone, and it was incredibly sweet. But I didn’t miss my kids. I talked to them a couple of times, and it was great to hear what they were doing while I was gone (turns out Daddy likes to take them more fun places than I do). At the end of each call I told them that I loved them, and then hung up the phone guilt-free.
Before you think I’m some horrible person, I’ll be picking them up from camp soon and can’t wait to see them. As the clock ticks closer I’m getting more excited about it, actually, and as they run to me and hug me I’ll probably cry a little. I love them. In fact, I always love them that much more after not seeing them for a few days. Because wrapped up with my darling, adorable kids is a lot of grunt work – the cooking and organizing and driving and disciplining and all the rest. So while I never exactly feel like I need a vacation from my kids as people, I do often want to get away from the day-to-day responsibility. And it’s hard to separate those parts out from each other.
The problem, of course, would be if I had clingy kids who couldn’t stand to be away from me. Thank goodness I don’t. We started leaving them with sitters and family early for dates and vacations, so I can leave them for a few days and they know I’m coming back and they handle it great. I’m sure this would all feel different if I had reports from home of them crying for me. Who wouldn’t feel guilty about that? But that’s not my reality. I was able to get away and have fun sans guilt and angst, and I feel incredibly grateful for that. I also suspect that there are lots more moms like me out there, so I thought it was important to say it: I love my kids, I’m happy I’ll get to see them in a little while, but I’m glad I got away for BlogHer ’09.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
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Tags: BlogHer 09 Chicago
could NOT agree with you more :)
I appreciate your honesty. You’re not alone in this, it’s just most moms don’t talk about it out loud. I love the way you separate missing the “people” from the responsibility – that’s exactly the point so many miss. It reminds me of what my husband the behaviorist says about discipline – you ignore the behavior, not the child.
I didn’t miss my kids that much either.
It was great to meet you at BlogHer! I’m glad we have Sandie in common–she’s awesome.
“So while I never exactly feel like I need a vacation from my kids as people, I do often want to get away from the day-to-day responsibility. And it’s hard to separate those parts out from each other.”
Thank you so much for articulating this. This is exactly how I feel. I would love to be a mother if I could have all the fun, but none of the work (or a whole lot less of the work). My husband doesn’t get this. Funny, he only does 1% of what I do. I rarely miss my kids when I’m away too :)
@becky – I can’t hear that enough in my life. :-)
@Shira Adatto – Excellent way to put it! I was so happy to see my kids yesterday and talk to them about what had happened while I was gone. I was equally unhappy that along with the kids come dishes and laundry. Come to think of it, most of what I don’t like about motherhood at this point could be solved with a full time maid and a driver. My children are delightful.
@Wife and Mommy – You too! And yes, Sandie is one of my favorite people in the world.
@Laura – So glad that other moms are OK with “saying” this out loud. And for what it’s worth, my husband always misses the kids after about 24 hours away. I think he’s nuts.
Our children (7 year old twins) are with their aunt and uncle for the whole week, and it’s been great. They’re thrilled to be away from us, and we’ve been able to go out to the movies, have dinner, be spontaneous, work late, etc etc etc. I suppose I miss them in an abstract way, but it’s Thursday and the last time I spoke to them was Tuesday, so I guess it’s pretty abstract (!). They’ve stayed with my mother for 5 or 6 days earlier in the summer and last year, and these trips are great for all of us: the kids get to have fun in a new environment, we get some serious adult time, and we’re all delighted to be reunited at the end of the week. I’m totally mystified by parents who are undone by their children’s absence; don’t they remember the pleasures of pre-child life? My parents used to go away for a week or two at least once a year every year and leave us kids in the capable hands of a relative, and it did wonders for their marriage. And just because our kids might miss us (not, I think, that they necessarily do, at least not all the time) doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve some time away. This is the problem with organizing your emotional life around your children: once you’re away from them, you have to remember why you’re you.
@Sarah – I like the way you put that, Sarah: Organizing your emotional life around your children. I know so many people who do that.
BTW, the roommate I referred to was Sandie, of Sandie and Hans. :-)
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@Sarah – I am so glad I am not the only one that feels this way. My kids are about to come home from their 8 week summer trip to their grandparents and I really only missed them for the first week they were away. The last few weeks I kept wondering if something was wrong with me! I just enjoyed not listening to any bickering and having to deal with the daily duties I guess. I hope that doesnt make me a bad mom =(
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