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Kate Middleton is a fruitcake

I almost wasn’t going to write this, because apparently there’s a rabid group of cake defenders trolling the internet looking for bloggers to beat up on. (Many thanks to Mom101 for pointing me toward one of the most entertaining comment strings ever.)

Mom101 cake tweet

Or perhaps they were all Food Network cake design show lovers, in which case I might be safe from their wrath. Or more likely they all belonged to that strange subset of internet commenters who go out of their way to comment on posts to tell the authors just how little their opinions mean, thus giving the posts a gazillion comments and making the authors’ opinions mean more. I love those commenters.

But I’m about to insult fruitcake, and I can’t imagine it has many defenders. I’m also about to insult British people, but they’re all too busy drinking tea to read my blog.

It was revealed recently that Prince William has infinitely more sense and taste than his fiancée, Kate Middleton. She chose for her wedding cake a giant fruitcake. For a wedding. Wedding fruitcake. I still can’t quite get over this. I considered about half a dozen different kinds of cake for my wedding, and not one of them was a dense brick filled with dried fruit and nuts.

Fruitcake
Not for weddings

Here in the U.S. fruitcake is a common slang term for crazy person. It’s a joke food. Johnny Carson made fruitcake a running gag on The Tonight Show. Someone sent my mom this card one Christmas more than twenty years ago and it makes me chuckle to this day. There’s even an annual event in Colorado where you can get rid of fruitcake in the sanest way possible: by throwing it as far as you can. These are not indications of a respected dessert. (Then again, I hear that the British version of fruitcake has a lot of alcohol in it, which may explain things.)

Reading further I discovered that this is actually a British tradition, a fruitcake wedding cake. So it’s not Kate Middleton who is crazy, she’s just bowing to societal pressure. It’s actually England that’s a little nuts.

The weirdest part of the story, though, is that Prince William is having a groom’s cake. This is not a British tradition. It’s not even an American tradition. It’s a Southern American tradition. After living in North Carolina for three years and attending several southern weddings (as well as planning mine while living there), I was convinced of three things: 1) southerners need to lay off of the sequins when making wedding dresses, 2) everyone leaves southern weddings hungry and goes to a Waffle House for dinner, and 3) northern weddings don’t have enough cake by half. So at my wedding we had a groom’s cake, and it had the South Park characters on it. Oh, and it was carrot cake. Very non-traditional for a wedding. And I realize it weakens my position a little bit. But since it was sitting next to my big white-and-chocolate layered traditional wedding cake, that didn’t really matter. You can go crazy with the groom’s cake when you have the big flowery normal one next to it.

That’s our wedding cake (and yes, that’s my husband – he didn’t make me blur him out or anything!). I would have loved to post a pic of our groom’s cake, but I have no idea where it is.

But I haven’t even gotten to the best part of the future king’s cake: it’s a cookie cake. It’s a giant cookie cake, made up of 1,700 Rich Tea brand cookies. I have no idea what kind of cookies these are, but it doesn’t matter because they will be covered in 17 kilos of chocolate. For those of you, like me, who have no idea how much chocolate is in 17 kilos, it’s 37.5 pounds. Of chocolate. On one cake.

So there you have it: England’s future queen will be presiding over a big fruitcake, and the future king will be presiding over a giant chocolate-covered cookie. I know which line I’ll be in.

Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information. Amy also blogs at Filming In Brooklyn, Behind the Screen, and Momtourage, and podcasts with The Blogging Angels.

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20 Responses to “Kate Middleton is a fruitcake”

  1. KateNonymous on March 29th, 2011 12:03 pm
    1

    Fruitcake is a traditional English wedding cake, so at least there’s a point to hers. His “cookie cake” just sounds like a big pile of cookies. It sounds like the Krispy Kreme “cakes” that were supposed to be all the rage about eight years ago–in other words, even less cake-like than the towers of cupcakes that people were apparently requesting about four years ago.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love cookies. But I don’t call them a cake just because I have a bunch of them in a stack.

  2. Emma on March 29th, 2011 12:11 pm
    2

    I thought about trying to defend my Britishness but then decided against it, fruit cake is hit is miss whether you get a good one or not, for some reason my dad made a fruit cake every week so now I never want to see another fruit cake again.
    Fruit cake is bad enough as a Christmas cake but a wedding cake, no way, chocolate all the way.
    Rich Tea biscuits are disgusting, I can’t think of anything American to compare them to, the are just plain boring biscuits, covering them in chocolate would make them slightly better but there are so many better choices.
    Anyway, Us Brits are a strange bunch of people and I will never fully understand why we do the things we do.

    Amy Reply:

    @Emma: You reacted to my good-natured ribbing so nicely, I feel compelled to apologize! I’m much more comfortable when people call me names…

    Emma Reply:

    @Amy:
    I’m sorry it’s the English part of me :-)
    Emma recently posted..Still HereMy Profile

  3. Cara Robinson on March 29th, 2011 5:35 pm
    3

    I haven’t seen that wedding photo in so long…..i love it :)

    Amy Reply:

    @Cara Robinson: :-) My favorite one is still the one of the three of us sticking our tongues out. If I find that one I’ll post it.

  4. Mom101 on March 29th, 2011 5:50 pm
    4

    Oh Amy, if you had read that comment thread in its entirety you would know that the Royal Family has their headbands especially made by Fortnum + Mason, who also make the headbands for the cake judge lady. So clearly she has impeccable taste.

    Amy Reply:

    @Mom101: NO WAY! It’s all coming full circle.

  5. Julie Marsh on March 29th, 2011 6:08 pm
    5

    A South Park groom’s cake? That might be one thing about the south that my husband and I could embrace.

    (We had a cheesecake wedding cake. Beats the crap out of any kind of fruit cake or tea biscuits.)
    Julie Marsh recently posted..My picks from the Cool Mom Picks Ultimate Baby Shower Gift GuideMy Profile

    Amy Reply:

    @Julie Marsh: You have no idea how much I wanted a cheesecake wedding cake. And the place where I got both cakes made AWESOME cheesecake. But I got married in August and the baker cautioned me strongly against it. And it ended up being blazingly hot on my wedding day, so good call on her part.

  6. Kirsty on March 29th, 2011 6:39 pm
    6

    Like Emma, I’m British (though I live in France, which is kind of a Mecca for cake, no?). I remember, when I was very young (a long time ago, then) being at a wedding with my parents and staring in horror at the slice of “cake” on the plate in front of me. To me, it was Christmas cake – fruit cake (yes, with a shitload of alcohol in it), wrapped in marzipan (bleurgh), covered in “royal” icing (which is just a polite term for “white concrete” I suspect). I apparently declared, nice and loud enough to embarrass my parents to death, that when I got married I would be having CHOCOLATE cake. Stunned silence, at our table anyway. So yeah, I may be British, but I’ve never understood wedding cake either. Then again, I never got married either so what would I know…
    As for Rich Tea, they are, indeed, dull little biscuits, but I actually quite like them – half the fun is in perfecting your Rich Tea-dunked-in-real-tea skills; the little blighters dissolve so damn fast it’s a real art… Covering them in chocolate (even 17 kg, which is only slightly lighter than my almost 7-year-old daughter) seems like a waste of time to me (the biscuits have almost no taste, you may as well just eat the chocolate on its own. YUM) and also seems like an odd choice for a groom’s cake. But maybe Wills just likes Rich Tea biscuits (I can imagine them being popular in Royal circles…).
    To end this apparently endless comment, I have a suggestion for the Royal couple (though they may not be reading this, I realise): I was also a student at St Andrews University, the Scottish university at which they met. Except I was there 10 years or so earlier. But anyway. There was a local delicacy, still talked about by my fellow alumni with fondness (and we all graduated 20 years ago, God help us) and that would, in my opinion, make an EXCELLENT cake-type addition to any wedding (or any event whatsover, including “I got out of bed this morning and should celebrate that”): the famous Fisher & Donaldson FUDGE DOUGHNUT. Oh my God. My mouth is watering at the mere thought of one of those lovelies… If you’re ever in St Andrews or Dundee, you HAVE to try one of these things…
    OK, I’m finished now. As you were, people, as you were.
    Kirsty recently posted..PompompomMy Profile

    Amy Reply:

    @Kirsty: I’m sorry, I know there was other information in your comment, but all I can concentrate on is FUDGE DOUGHNUT. I need more information please. Is it fudge frosting? Filled with fudge? I need to know!

    Kirsty Reply:

    @Amy: I know, it’s all I’ve been thinking about since I typed that epic comment… A fudge doughnut is indeed a doughnut, filled with some kind of confectioner’s custard-y stuff and frosted with some kind of fudgey deliciousness. I can tell you, they alone made studying in the windswept northish east of Scotland worthwhile… I haven’t had once since 2000 (good lord, that long…) but they’re like crack: totally addictive. It’s a wonder I didn’t graduate looking like a whale after 5 years of fudge doughnuts and alcohol…
    Kirsty recently posted..PompompomMy Profile

  7. kristy on March 29th, 2011 7:43 pm
    7

    I really like fruitcake, but then, I’ve had it all of maybe twice and DESPITE RECENT EVENTS pretty much love cake in all forms.

    Pounds and pounds of cookies also sounds really good to me, but that’s probably because I have gestational diabetes and am forbidden any of the sorts of things pregnant women should be shoveling into their faces. SIGH.

    Thanks for your post, though! :)
    kristy recently posted..Dear Ms Kerry Vincent- Its Not You Its Not Me- EitherMy Profile

    Amy Reply:

    @kristy: Wait, you have gestational diabetes and at the same time you’re getting slapped around on your blog about CAKE? Are you in some kind of very creative purgatory?

  8. Elissa on March 29th, 2011 9:50 pm
    8

    Amy…I’m with you…when I heard on the Today show that Kate chose a fruitcake…well, I just stood there and thought “a fruitcake???”

    But my fave part of your post? The bee-yoo-tee-full wedding picture of you and the DH!

    Amy Reply:

    @Elissa: Thank you! I love that pic. Pissed I can’t find South Park though. We got married in the stone age, otherwise they would all be online at my fingertips!

  9. Jo on March 30th, 2011 7:55 am
    9

    My (very much British) mother-in-law thinks fruitcake is the food of the gods and would be astounded to think that anyone thinks otherwise. It is an institution in this country. Weddings, Christmas, Christenings, Uncle Nigel’s birthday party… be prepared to gulp down a big brown brick of white concrete marzipan covered fruitcake and don’t forget to pretend to love it.

  10. Cathi Crismon on March 30th, 2011 12:19 pm
    10

    You crack me up!! I loathe fruitcake!
    Cathi Crismon recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Disney’s Wild Africa TrekMy Profile

  11. Sarah on April 2nd, 2011 10:33 pm
    11

    I grew up with fruitcake as wedding cake (usually it’s just the top tier of the cake, and then the other tiers are some kind of sponge). As Emma said, the cake is covered in marzipan and then in a stiff fondant icing called royal icing. I love this cake! I love Rich Tea biscuits too (as do my American kids). But I definitely wouldn’t make a cake out of them. Chocolate digestives maybe. Jaffa cakes, a strong possibility. Rich Teas no way.