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The “Do Not Buy” Holiday Gift List

There are a lot of gift guides out there, but I’m here to guide you away from the gifts on this list.

10. Peeing Santa Beverage Dispenser

 

Peeing Santa

So you’re looking for that special something to both class up your Christmas buffet table and send your children running to the closest therapist. You’ll find it all in this Peeing Santa Beverage Dispenser. Even when not “pouring” a drink from this battery-operated dispenser, you’ll still have Santa standing there, holding his wang for all eternity. Fa la la la la.

9. Personal Soundtrack T-Shirt

 

Personal Soundtrack T-Shirt

If you’ve ever seen the Family Guy episode where Peter has his own personal theme music following him around, you know that it just doesn’t end well. But that hasn’t stopped the evil minds at ThinkGeek from making it a reality. This battery operated Personal Soundtrack T-Shirt allows you to broadcast songs, sound effects, whatever you want. Walking down the street blasting a boom box is so 20th century. Attach your mp3 player to this shirt and turn heads wherever you go. Sure, those heads will be screaming nasty things at you, but still…any attention is good attention, right?

8. Uro Golf Club

 

Uro Golf Club

So your boyfriend/husband/father is out on the golf course trying to close a business deal (because this is the 1960s), but after one too many brewskis he pisses himself on the 13th hole, loses the business deal, gets fired, and ends up becoming a shiftless drunk who begs for beer money outside of the bus station. Happens ALL the time. But think of how easily all of that could be avoided with the Uro Golf Club! Get it? “Uro”? That’s right, you pee in it! You unscrew the cap, clip the “privacy towel” onto your waistband, pee into this hollow golf club, and then…put the pee filled club back into your golf bag. And watch as your golf mates slowly back away from you in disgust.

7. Dress for Dinner Napkins

Dress for Dinner Napkins

Not only should you not buy these Dress for Dinner Napkins, but if you immediately thought “I know who would love these!” you should stop being friends with that person immediately.

6. Bacon Flavored Candy

 

Bacon Flavored Lollipops

Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans

This one’s a two-fer: Bacon Flavored Lollipos and Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans. Now, even though I’m a vegetarian, I have an appreciation for bacon. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life is the Bacon Flow Chart. I get bacon, even if I don’t eat it. But there is no excuse for these candies existing.

5. Strawberry Scented Poo Poo Soap

 

Poo Poo Soap

And continuing the food-ish theme…guest soap just got creepier with this Strawberry Scented Poo Poo Soap.

4. Hillary Nutcracker & Bill Corkscrew

 

Bill & Hillary Combo Set

I always suspected that Hillary’s thighs were made of stainless steel. And the less said about sticking Bill in and pulling him out, the better. See them both in action with the Hillary Clinton Nutcracker & Bill Clinton Corkscrew Combo Set.

3. Knight Rider Voice Card for GPS

 

Knight Rider voice card

If you’ve ever said to yourself “I really like not getting lost, but the voice on my GPS unit isn’t eighties enough” then you clearly need the Knight Rider Voice Card for Garmin and TomTom GPS units. And if you don’t already have a GPS unit? Then just start things out right by getting the official Knight Rider Portable GPS Navigator, pre-loaded with the original voice of K.I.T.T., William Daniels. Perhaps it will even give you directions to the local club for extremely cool people. I hear they’re looking for members.

2. Holy Smoke Bullets

 

Holy Smoke bullets

So you don’t know what to get for the hunter in your life. He already has every animal imaginable stuffed and hung on his wall. And then one day, in casual conversation, he says to you:

You know I’ve thought about this for some time and I want to be cremated. Then I want my ashes put into some turkey load shotgun shells and have someone that knows how to turkey hunt use the shotgun shells with my ashes to shoot a turkey. That way I will rest in peace knowing that the last thing that one turkey will see is me, screaming at him at about 900 feet per second.

And that’s when it hits you: your greatest gift to him will be after he dies, when you have his remains made into bullets. That’s right: you can have someone’s cremated remains stuffed into working Holy Smoke Bullets. And that quote up there? I didn’t make that up. It’s from the Holy Smoke about page. It’s how the idea for the company was formed.

1. The Little Rooster Alarm Clock

 

Little Rooster Alarm Clock

I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll just let the Little Rooster Alarm Clock website speak for itself:

A completely new way of waking.  An alarm clock that wakes you with pleasure. The lowest settings are almost imperceptible. The Little Rooster does not wrench you from your sleep. Then the power slowly increases.  The Little Rooster wakes you gradually, sensually, tenderly.

In case you weren’t able to put the description together with the picture: it’s an alarm clock that you wear in your underwear. Merry Christmas.

Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.

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12 Responses to “The “Do Not Buy” Holiday Gift List”

  1. Denise Traynor on December 5th, 2011 8:07 pm
    1

    Dave Barry would be so proud of you. Where do you find this stuff?

    Amy Reply:

    @Denise Traynor: Lots and lots of googling. :-)

  2. Carolyn (temysmom) on December 5th, 2011 11:53 pm
    2

    Sadly, I just might have to get the Knight Rider Voice Card for my husband.
    Carolyn (temysmom) recently posted..The Virgin Diaries – Really?My Profile

    Amy Reply:

    @Carolyn (temysmom): I’m totally judging anyone who buys anything off of this list. Unless they buy the Bill & Hillary set for me. I’ll display them with my Obama Chia Head.

  3. Carri on December 5th, 2011 11:56 pm
    3

    You’re the second person who’s mentioned that golf pisser towel. Because really. Peeing your pants is a-ok as long as nobody finds out!
    Carri recently posted..The Glamorous Life of a Stay At Home MomMy Profile

  4. Jayme on December 6th, 2011 12:08 am
    4

    My grandma was a complete loon (and jolly alcoholic), and she had a variation of the Santa Wang Pourer when I was a kid. I wish I was kidding.

    Amy Reply:

    @Jayme: I think I would like her.

  5. Nancy on December 6th, 2011 9:27 am
    5

    one word. Awesome.
    Nancy recently posted..Once at the New York Theatre Workshop: Theatre MagicMy Profile

  6. Shawn Webb on December 6th, 2011 12:59 pm
    6

    What’s wrong with the little rooster? I think it’s a great gift idea for those who are adventurous.

    Amy Reply:

    @Shawn Webb: I think we might have a different definition of adventurous, but to each his own.

  7. Dems on December 9th, 2011 1:50 am
    7

    With regard to the Little Rooster…I would like to know if you based your opinion on the description or if you actually purchased one and therefore warrant a real opinion?

    Amy Reply:

    @Dems: Nope, the entire list is badly researched and tongue-in-cheek. I don’t own any of them.