The “Do Not Buy” Gift List 2012

I love doing my holiday shopping online. I don’t have to stand in actual lines. I don’t have to fight crowds. I don’t have to wear pants.

But with such a limitless selection of items on the web, choosing gifts for friends and family can be hard. While I can’t really give you a list of what to buy because I tend to be lacking in taste, I can eliminate the following for you. You’re welcome. (Although, if you’re anything like me, you might actually want a few of these, in which case you’re also welcome.)

You can narrow your choices a little further by perusing last year’s list as well.

Zombie Gnomes

Patient Zero Gnome


Bye Bye Birdie

This might be my favorite collection of anything on Etsy ever. Regular garden gnomes are just a half-step away from being evil anyway, so this is not too far a leap.

Who this might be right for: Those neighbors who have a yard full of gnomes already. They won’t appreciate the gift (I’ve never met anyone with gnomes of any kind who wasn’t unfailingly sincere), but they may feel compelled to put these out on the lawn to be polite, in which case you get to enjoy them.

Bonus accessory: How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack (Hardcover). See? They don’t have to be zombiefied to be evil. And speaking of zombies…

ZombieMax Zombie Killer Bullets

ZombieMax Bullets

I’m not sure how extensive the testing has been on these bullets, but in the event of a zombie apocalypse, do you really want to take a chance on normal bullets? Stock up now, because if you wait until the apocalypse is here, even overnight shipping won’t be fast enough.

Who this might be right for: Anyone who already has a large stockpile of bullets. I guarantee they won’t say no to more.

Bonus accessory: Waterproof Zombie Ammo Can.

Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

So, if there’s one thing I’ve always wanted in my shower, it’s a dispenser for all of the bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and shower gel that clutter up the tub. But the Nose Shower Gel Dispenser is not what I was looking for.

Who this might be right for: My eleven-year-old son, Jake. But he’s not getting it.

The Butt Face Towel

Butt Face Towel

I think the look on that model’s face says it all: the Butt Face Towel is used by people who are too stupid to figure this one out for themselves, but smart enough to be a little embarrassed about it.

Who this might be right for: people who keep getting mysterious warts on their faces and don’t know why.

Bikini Jeans

Bikini Jeans

Not sure whether to thank or blame my friends at Cool Mom Picks for bringing these to my attention, but here they are: Bikini Jeans. The rumor on the website is that they’ve also been made for men, but I didn’t have the courage to look for a picture.

Who these might be right for: Porn stars who occasionally have to go to the bank or post office.

The Wine Rack

The Wine Rack

Is it a boob enhancer? Is it a drink smuggler? Surprise – it’s both! Thanks to The Wine Rack, you can start out your evening as a D cup, then gradually drink your way to an I-don’t-give-a-shit-because-I’m-wasted A cup.

Who this might be right for: the same person who would wear Bikini Jeans.

GPS Shoes

GPS Shoes

If you forgot your smart phone, but do have a computer, a USB cord, and the special software with you, you can let your No Place Like Home GPS Shoes guide you home with directional LED lights.

Who these might be right for: Me. I get lost all the time. I even have trouble following smart phone maps. Unfortunately I couldn’t find actual purchasing info, but I might contact the designer and plead my case.

Like A Hug Vest

Like A Hug

Honestly, this one just makes me sad. It’s a vest that inflates – hugs you – when something you posted on Facebook gets a “like.” Bringing creepy Facebook dependency to a whole new level, this vest takes a bizarre idea and couples it with fugly clothing. Fugly inflatable clothing. It’s just a matter of time before one of these goes crazy and smothers the wearer.

Who this might be right for: Sigh. We all know somebody who needs this. It’s that person you don’t even want to be Facebook friends with, but you’re stuck.

Dog Toilet Bowl

Dog Toilet Bowl

Your dog likes to drink out of the toilet + you thinking you’re funny = the Dog Toilet Bowl.

Who this might be right for: Someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed to care for another living creature.

Ostrich Pillow

Ostrich Pillow 2

Ostrich Pillow

You’re traveling, or (I swear to God this is how it is marketed) at the office, and you need to take a nap. But between distractions and your hard desk you just can’t make it happen. Enter, The Ostrich Pillow (and exit, your dignity).

Who this might be right for: I have no idea. This is a new category of people.

3D Mini You

3D Mini You

Photo booths at parties are so 2011. The next big thing? Mini 3D figurines of yourself, made with a hand-held scanner and 3D printer.

I think the people behind the Zombie Gnomes should get together with the people behind the 3D figurines, and we’ll have our number one gift for next year’s guide.

Who this might be right for: Anyone you want to keep in your pocket.

Honorable Mention: Shitter


The concept is pretty simple, and yet brilliant: tweets printed on toilet paper. I would have been their best customer. Wiping my ass with words uttered on twitter by the likes of Ann Coulter would have been sweet. But alas, it was not meant to be. The people behind this idea couldn’t actually bring it to market. Still, I hope that some day in the future, somebody figures this out. Until then I’ll have to console myself with drawing pictures of Rush Limbaugh on my tp with a Sharpie.

Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.


  1. says

    You know you can have toilet paper custom printed with Ann Coulter’s face on it. I’m just sayin’…found that out with a few key strokes (oh, wait bad choice of words!).

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