Anatomy Of A Stupid Fight
Jan 29, 2013 Kids
By the time Fiona gets up in the morning and comes downstairs for breakfast I’ve already been up for two hours, long enough to have had several rotten things happen, as they did this morning. I’m definitely in a bad mood. And then Fiona and I had the kind of little fight we have all the time. I can avoid them if I’m in a good mood and paying attention. This morning? Not so much.
I was putting Fiona’s lunch together, and after grabbing something from a low pull-out pantry shelf I kicked it closed with the side of my leg.
“Hey!” Fiona yelled at me. “You just did what you keep telling me not to do.”
“No, I tell you not to put your dirty feet on top of the drawer and pull it open with your toes. All of the gross stuff on the bottom of your foot gets into the drawer.”
“No, I’ve never done that! I only kick it closed like you just did.”
Sigh.
Fiona goes down this road all the time. All. The. Time. I can see her do something a dozen times and yet she would swear on the lives of everyone she knows that she’s never done said thing. And she gets so indignant about it, so insulted that I would dare to accuse her of whatever it is I’ve seen her do with my own eyes.
This morning I finally just snapped at her that she needs to stop picking fights or she’s going to ruin both our mornings. She muttered to herself for a while and then dropped it for long enough that we could say a nice goodbye to each other. But knowing Fiona, she will bring it up within ten minutes of getting home tonight.
This is one of those things that I don’t know how to handle, because it’s not a matter of opinion and there are no shades of gray. It’s hard not to laugh in her face sometimes when she screams at us that she didn’t do something, when we saw her do it. She is as stubborn as I am and once she decides that something is a fact, that’s it – she will not give in.
This leaves me with two options: One is backing down and letting her believe that she’s right, which feels so wrong. The other is going nine rounds with her until I’ve basically broken her down and we hate each other.
Perhaps hidden cameras are the answer. Although I’m guessing she would find a way to accuse the camera of lying. “Look Fiona, let me show you a video of you doing this thing you say you’ve never done.” “That’s not me. Someone comes in and pretends to be me and does bad things and you never believe anything I say!”
I never went through this with her brother. Sure, he lies about things he’s done, but when confronted with evidence or a superior argument he gives in. Being right doesn’t seem to be as important to him as it is to Fiona. Like many bad phases, I’m waiting for her to grow out of it…still waiting…
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
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So, what you’re saying is, I have YEARS of this to look forward to? Because S already does this. It’s convinced The Husband and me she’s going to grow up to be a defense lawyer. I don’t know how to deal with it, either. We usually go the “fight until we hate each other” route. So much fun.
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Amy Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:15 am
@FiddleDeeAshley: You know, I keep telling myself that it’s a phase. But I know adults like this, so I may just be kidding myself.
Brenda Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:27 am
@Amy: I was going to say “Don’t worry, it’s just a phase and she’ll grow out of this behavior.” Then I remembered that I haven’t raised any children and I know a few adults who always have to be right. Even so…most likely she’ll be socially corrected in time and outgrow the need to be right all the time.
Amy Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 9:57 am
@Brenda: Brenda, you bring up a good point, the social correction thing. Because the parents totally don’t count as much as the friends with a lot of stuff. It used to be like pulling teeth to get Jake to brush his teeth and put on deodorant in the morning. This year? I think middle school and girls had an effect. :-)
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happens all the time!
Mitch Gaynycdad liked this on Facebook.
Ugh, I’m waiting for my 5yo boy to grow out of this phase too. He argues with me about *everything.* Simple math facts, if he used toothpaste when he brushed his teeth, word pronunciations, whatever. He has to be right or he’ll crumple and tantrum. His daycare teachers actually say he’s made progress on it since I warned them in the fall, but I’m not seeing a lot of progress myself. I definitely pick my battles on when to tell him he’s wrong, but his 9yo sister struggles with this more. She’s proud when she knows the right thing, so it frustrates her to no end when he said otherwise. I guess they’re both stubborn in their own ways!
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Amy Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 2:25 pm
@Cheryl: The interesting thing about Fiona is, I don’t think she does this at school. I think she saves it all up for us!
My husband just commented on this post in an email, because I don’t think he’s ever commented on a blog post in his life and he doesn’t want to ruin the streak. But this is what he said, and I think he’s right: “Sorry to hear about Fiona this morning – my (unsolicited) advice: don’t insist on getting her to admit she actually did what she’s denying. It’s a pride thing – she’ll never admit to doing wrong. Focus on telling her not to do it again – if she insists she didn’t do it in the first place, just say ‘Whatever, don’t do [insert Fiona behavior here].’ Eventually, she will stop doing it.”
annette baesel Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 4:44 pm
I agree with your husband. You don’t want to back down and let her feel she’s “won”. But you also want her to hear you…eventually…sometimes. So instead of insisting she did it and getting her back up, use the comment, well if you ever think of doing it in the future (not doing it again, just doing it), don’t. And leave it. in the case you mentioned, you could say…oh, what i meant was i don’t want you to use your feet to open the drawer. If she says, I never do that…you can say “good to hear it, just don’t start”. You know, that down deep, really down deep, she KNOWS she does do it, she just won’t admit it.
Getting someone (especially a human being) to admit they’re wrong is a losing battle and not worth it and not satisfying. And practically unconstitutional, for 5th Amendment fans.
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Amy Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 2:27 pm
@Marinka: I disagree with you on one point: I find it immensely satisfying when I can get someone else to admit that they’re wrong. Which may be part of the problem. :-/
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My Goodness! This is reminding me of the same thing that my daughter has gone through with 2 of her daughters. (she is the mom of 2 sets of twins) They both did similar things like you are describing Fiona doing and yes they have also thought and said “They will make Great Defense lawyers”. When the oldest one got to University it was very hard for her to be separated (living in the dorms and not at home) and she ended having a breakdown. She was diagnosed as having a chemical imbalance and depression. Now the younger grand-daughter is started showing the same symptoms and she has been to the Doctor and now see a therapist on a weekly basis. I sincerely hope that you are able to help Fiona not because I am saying that she has the same thing as my grandkids but because I have seen it happen before. Thank you for all your great posts on your blog, I read the everyday!!