Twelve Things I Learned This Christmas
Dec 26, 2012 Kids
1) When your kids no longer believe in Santa, you don’t have to worry about what kind of wrapping paper you use. Or change your handwriting on the tags. And the wrapping scraps? They can just go in the recycling bin!
And as you buy and wrap presents, you can just put them under the tree. No need to hide them. AND you get all the credit for the gifts. It’s awesome.
2) On the other hand, there’s no reason to put out cookies and milk on Christmas Eve for “Santa” to eat. You can still have cookies and milk, but you can’t tell yourself that it was all part of a grand plan to fool your kids. You were simply pigging out on cookies at midnight for no good reason.
3) Even tough guys will get crafty when there’s candy involved.
4) The Barbie Dream House? The giant one with the elevator and all the sounds and stuff? It’s the hardest thing to put together ever. The terrible instructions are paired with black and white pictures that are so dark it’s impossible to tell what’s happening.
I was up half the night with this thing.
5) In the middle of the night, when you ask your husband to bring the empty boxes downstairs, there’s a good chance that he will put a very obvious one in a hallway practically next to the tree, where your daughter will notice it before you’ve actually given her that present.
6) When you buy a bunch of AA batteries from Amazon and they come in a plain brown package, open it up and look closer, because they may have sent you several dozen AAA batteries by mistake. And you may be scrambling on Christmas morning to find enough AA batteries for the kids’ new toys. In a related matter, all of your XBox controllers may be battery-free at the moment.
7) If you decide to make your pie crust a little thicker this time because you really really like crust, and then you bake it longer than usual because you’re worried about it being doughy, you may turn your apple pie into applesauce pie. (But the crust will still be awesome.)
8) Pretty tablecloths should be used more than once a year. They’re just fun.
9) If you buy an eight-year-old girl a skateboard in winter, she will want you to take her outside, even though it’s very cold.
10) No matter how many Legos and Nerf guns an eleven-year-old has, he will still go crazy if you get him more.
11) Barbie can never have too many clothes.
12) No matter how little sleep you got, or how many nails you broke, it was all worth it.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
The “Do Not Buy” Gift List 2012
Nov 26, 2012 Gifts
I love doing my holiday shopping online. I don’t have to stand in actual lines. I don’t have to fight crowds. I don’t have to wear pants.
But with such a limitless selection of items on the web, choosing gifts for friends and family can be hard. While I can’t really give you a list of what to buy because I tend to be lacking in taste, I can eliminate the following for you. You’re welcome. (Although, if you’re anything like me, you might actually want a few of these, in which case you’re also welcome.)
You can narrow your choices a little further by perusing last year’s list as well.
Zombie Gnomes
This might be my favorite collection of anything on Etsy ever. Regular garden gnomes are just a half-step away from being evil anyway, so this is not too far a leap.
Who this might be right for: Those neighbors who have a yard full of gnomes already. They won’t appreciate the gift (I’ve never met anyone with gnomes of any kind who wasn’t unfailingly sincere), but they may feel compelled to put these out on the lawn to be polite, in which case you get to enjoy them.
Bonus accessory: How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack (Hardcover). See? They don’t have to be zombiefied to be evil. And speaking of zombies…
ZombieMax Zombie Killer Bullets
I’m not sure how extensive the testing has been on these bullets, but in the event of a zombie apocalypse, do you really want to take a chance on normal bullets? Stock up now, because if you wait until the apocalypse is here, even overnight shipping won’t be fast enough.
Who this might be right for: Anyone who already has a large stockpile of bullets. I guarantee they won’t say no to more.
Bonus accessory: Waterproof Zombie Ammo Can.
Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
So, if there’s one thing I’ve always wanted in my shower, it’s a dispenser for all of the bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and shower gel that clutter up the tub. But the Nose Shower Gel Dispenser is not what I was looking for.
Who this might be right for: My eleven-year-old son, Jake. But he’s not getting it.
The Butt Face Towel
I think the look on that model’s face says it all: the Butt Face Towel is used by people who are too stupid to figure this one out for themselves, but smart enough to be a little embarrassed about it.
Who this might be right for: people who keep getting mysterious warts on their faces and don’t know why.
Bikini Jeans
Not sure whether to thank or blame my friends at Cool Mom Picks for bringing these to my attention, but here they are: Bikini Jeans. The rumor on the website is that they’ve also been made for men, but I didn’t have the courage to look for a picture.
Who these might be right for: Porn stars who occasionally have to go to the bank or post office.
The Wine Rack
Is it a boob enhancer? Is it a drink smuggler? Surprise – it’s both! Thanks to The Wine Rack, you can start out your evening as a D cup, then gradually drink your way to an I-don’t-give-a-shit-because-I’m-wasted A cup.
Who this might be right for: the same person who would wear Bikini Jeans.
GPS Shoes
If you forgot your smart phone, but do have a computer, a USB cord, and the special software with you, you can let your No Place Like Home GPS Shoes guide you home with directional LED lights.
Who these might be right for: Me. I get lost all the time. I even have trouble following smart phone maps. Unfortunately I couldn’t find actual purchasing info, but I might contact the designer and plead my case.
Like A Hug Vest
Honestly, this one just makes me sad. It’s a vest that inflates – hugs you – when something you posted on Facebook gets a “like.” Bringing creepy Facebook dependency to a whole new level, this vest takes a bizarre idea and couples it with fugly clothing. Fugly inflatable clothing. It’s just a matter of time before one of these goes crazy and smothers the wearer.
Who this might be right for: Sigh. We all know somebody who needs this. It’s that person you don’t even want to be Facebook friends with, but you’re stuck.
Dog Toilet Bowl
Your dog likes to drink out of the toilet + you thinking you’re funny = the Dog Toilet Bowl.
Who this might be right for: Someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed to care for another living creature.
Ostrich Pillow
You’re traveling, or (I swear to God this is how it is marketed) at the office, and you need to take a nap. But between distractions and your hard desk you just can’t make it happen. Enter, The Ostrich Pillow (and exit, your dignity).
Who this might be right for: I have no idea. This is a new category of people.
3D Mini You
Photo booths at parties are so 2011. The next big thing? Mini 3D figurines of yourself, made with a hand-held scanner and 3D printer.
I think the people behind the Zombie Gnomes should get together with the people behind the 3D figurines, and we’ll have our number one gift for next year’s guide.
Who this might be right for: Anyone you want to keep in your pocket.
Honorable Mention: Shitter
The concept is pretty simple, and yet brilliant: tweets printed on toilet paper. I would have been their best customer. Wiping my ass with words uttered on twitter by the likes of Ann Coulter would have been sweet. But alas, it was not meant to be. The people behind this idea couldn’t actually bring it to market. Still, I hope that some day in the future, somebody figures this out. Until then I’ll have to console myself with drawing pictures of Rush Limbaugh on my tp with a Sharpie.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
Tags: Christmas, Gift Guide
Christmas cookie Tree centerpiece
Dec 25, 2011 Cooking & Baking
A couple weeks ago I saw this video of Gail Dosik, of One Tough Cookie, making a Christmas tree out of cookies. I was totally inspired.
I immediately started searching Amazon for graduated cookie cutters and found a set of star-shaped ones from Wilton. I never make a holiday centerpiece. If we have one, it’s because Fiona took it upon herself to make one. So I decided that this year, our centerpiece would be a Christmas cookie tree!
I’m rather glad that I couldn’t find the kind of cutters that Gail used because her tree requires a kind of precision that I just don’t have. Maybe next time. If I take a Valium first.
Last night I made a massive amount of roll-out cookie dough, and this morning made the cookies. At first it seemed like the cookies would take forever, but once I got past the two biggest stars it went a lot faster.
I used Gail’s method for rolling out the dough. Before discovering her secret, I rarely made cut-out cookies because they always looked fairly terrible and tasted even worse, due to all the extra flour I’d have to use to keep them from sticking. But trust me, her method is genius. You’re crazy if you don’t use it.
I’ve never used icing on cookies, so I decided to give it a try. I wanted to outline the cookies in frosting then pour the icing on very thin and let it spread, but I just couldn’t get it thin enough. The recipe I was using said to just keep adding light corn syrup until it was the right consistency but I started getting afraid that it would taste funny. So I spread the frosting to the edges as best I could.
Assembly was really easy, since it didn’t have to be exact. I just had to check every few cookies and make sure the tree wasn’t lopsided.
You can see that some of the frosting near the top gushed out and dripped down. I decided that those looked like icicles and weren’t a mistake. :-)
I sprinkled the whole thing with silver-colored sugar, although I think it would have looked better if I’d done that before stacking the cookies.
I’m quite proud of myself, but this design left a lot of room for error. I’d like to try another one that’s not so haphazard. I think it may be time for some private lessons with Gail. :-)
I made way too much dough, so I let Fiona make some cookies (I think The Ass ate about half of them).
When she got tired of it I made some to share with the choir at Christmas Eve service.
And I still have about a third of the dough left. I might try making some smaller trees with it tomorrow – just the top five or six layers. Maybe I’ll make a whole cookie forest! And populate it with little gingerbread men! And the men will need a house…
I think this is the most relaxing Christmas Eve I’ve ever had. The presents were all wrapped days ago, and I did nothing today but bake.
I hope you all have a nice Christmas, filled with cookies and gifts and family. And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, well, at least your kids will let you sleep in tomorrow.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
I think @TheToughCookie would be proud!
Dec 24, 2011 Posted From My Phone
I’ll put up a how-to post later, along with the video from Gail Dosik that inspired this cookie tree. But for now I have to jump in the shower to get to Christmas Eve service for choir!
Originally posted on Selfish Mom, from Amy’s cell phone (so please excuse any weird formatting). All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
Santa identity crisis
Dec 21, 2011 Kids
So I’m sitting here surrounded by gifts that need wrapping, a task I actually enjoy (as long as I’m not doing it at 3am on December 25th, which has happened many other years). The problem is, I don’t know how to make out the gift tags.
Two years ago, when Jake was eight, I almost told him the truth about Santa. Then last year at this time he nudged me about it again, but he still wasn’t ready.
Then, one fateful day that spring in St. Thomas, everything came out. Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, everything. We were at Easter brunch at the Ritz Carlton, and there was an Easter bunny taking pictures with the kids. After her picture Fiona said to me, “The Easter Bunny isn’t real, right?” Finally! Making up all these silly stories was getting old. I said, “Nope, it’s just something parents tell kids to have a little fun when they’re little, but you’re old enough now to know the truth.”
Fiona went white and stared back at me with saucer eyes, and said “I just meant that that one wasn’t real – I could see her ponytail sticking out!”
Oops.
She ran and told Jake. The next morning at breakfast they said they had some questions. Was Santa real? I asked them several times if they really wanted to know everything, and they insisted they did. So I told them. Everything. The Tooth Fairy was the next to fall. And that was it.
Or so I thought.
About a month ago, Jake came to me and said he was writing his list for Santa. “OK, Jake, for ‘Santa.’ Got it.” I made air quotes around the now-fictitious Santa.
Jake got a weird smile and said, “So I think I might have fallen down and gotten amnesia about Santa. He’s real, right?”
Oh bloody hell.
He still wanted to believe, even though he knew the truth. And even though he knew that I knew that he knew the truth.
Later I asked Fiona about Santa and she said “What do you mean?” Except she seemed genuinely confused. Had she really forgotten about the big reveal? Had she convinced herself that the whole conversation hadn’t happened? Or, like Jake, was she just pretending?
I’ve been absolutely terrible about keeping the whole story going since that day. When they told me what they wanted for Christmas I got right onto Amazon and told them whether or not each item was a possibility (“Will be delivered after December 25th” became “Sorry, Santa can’t guarantee delivery in time”). But now here I am with the gift tags, and I don’t know what to do. I know Jake knows. I think Fiona knows, but I’m not sure. As the person who perpetrated this once-fun lie in the first place, what’s my responsibility here in dragging it out?
And good grief, what if they want Santa around for another year, when they’ll be eight and eleven? I just don’t think I have it in me.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
Tags: Christmas, gifts, Kids, Santa Claus
Christmas in November, courtesy of Belgium
Nov 5, 2011 Around NYC, Posted From My Phone
I was just dropping my babysitter off at home, and there was a commercial being filmed for a Belgian airline on her block. They were even making fake snow. So pretty! And unlike the rest of the Christmas Creep, it will be gone by tomorrow.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom, from Amy’s cell phone (so please excuse any weird formatting). All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. This post has a Compensation Level of 0. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.
Tags: Christmas, Filming In Brooklyn
Merry Christmas, and good luck
Dec 25, 2010 What's Going On
As the clock ticks down to the end of another Christmas, I wanted to say how grateful I am for everything I have. My family is healthy and happy, my husband has a good job, and I’ve been fortunate to turn a hobby I love into a fledgling career. I’m lucky.
It makes me sad to see so many tweets and posts and articles about people who aren’t as lucky. Because really, for a lot of people, that’s all it boils down to. I don’t mean to discount hard work – pretty much all of what my husband and I have can be tied directly to hard work. But luck gave us opportunities. Luck gave us great families. We were lucky to be born in the U.S. We were lucky to meet each other. We are lucky that our children were born healthy and remain so. We’re lucky every time we get into our car and it doesn’t crash, every time we get sick but then get better. Luck has kept us out of falling planes and burning buildings. Where we had good luck, many many others had bad luck.
I wish all of you good luck in the year to come.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information. Amy also blogs at Filming In Brooklyn, Behind the Screen, Momtourage, and podcasts with The Blogging Angels.
Santa is real…for a little while longer
Dec 17, 2010 Kids
I came very close to telling Jake the truth about Santa tonight. Earlier he had asked me point blank if I was the one who put the presents under the tree on Christmas, and since Fiona (who is six and still very much a believer) was in the room I said “Of course not!” But later, after Fiona had gone to bed, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said that I had been asking questions about his letter to Santa (I had; I was explaining that Santa was not going to bring him a Fushigi, because Santa had looked up the reviews on Amazon, and learned that it’s not actually a magic ball, that it’s for much older kids, and that it takes 30 hours of practice to do even the easiest tricks, and Santa doesn’t like to risk his reputation with As-Seen-On-TV crap), and that made him think that I was buying the gifts.
I looked at him good and hard, and asked him who he really thought brought the presents and put them under the tree. He said he thought it was Santa.
I asked him who he wanted it to be.
His eyes teared up and he whispered “Santa.”
He’s nine. It’s getting a little ridiculous that he still believes. I mean, it’s sweet, but it worries me a little. This is a kid who walks to school alone and wants a cell phone and has been known to say the F word to me on occasion. It’s just weird that he’s still holding on to the idea that a fat man in a red suit climbs down chimneys and leave presents under the tree without setting off the motion detectors.
The thing is, I don’t think his near-tears have anything to do with being a child or believing in magic. I think he’s really afraid that if he tells me he doesn’t believe, he doesn’t get to ask for presents. But I can take all of next year to break the news to him, and reassure him that he still gets gifts. And, as a bonus, he gets to be my special helper keeping the magic going for his sister. I think he’ll like that.
Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information. Amy also blogs at Filming In Brooklyn, Behind the Screen, Momtourage, and podcasts with The Blogging Angels.
Tags: Christmas, Santa Claus
