Selfish Mom

Spanking: do ya or don’t ya?

Nov 19, 2009 What's Going On

A few weeks ago I taped a segment for The Today Show.  Darlene Rodriguez interviewed some moms for about 90 minutes, which were of course whittled down to about a minute and a half (thank God, because I said some dumb stuff).  Anissa Mayhew is sitting next to me in the interview.  She had a massive stroke yesterday.  We had known each other for a while online, but had never met until the night before the Today Show taping.  She was “touring” with her Aiming Low friends, holding parties in a couple different cities.  I was glad I got to meet her and had no idea I would be seeing her the next morning for the interview.  It was a nice surprise, and we got to know each other fairly well that day.  I mean, what better way to get to know someone than to talk about how you discipline your children?  She was fabulous.

Anyway, watch the segment:

First of all, let’s be clear about the different levels of spanking.  If you’re talking about a swat on the behind that’s not meant to hurt but just to get attention, then I guess I have no problem with that.  I don’t think it’s a very good way to get a point across to your children, but as long as you’re not hurting them it’s really none of my business – I do plenty of things that aren’t in my kids’ best interest.  But if you’re talking about hurting your child, either as a well-thought out, purposeful punishment plan or just because you lost control, then I have a problem.  Children should never be hurt, period.  It’s just wrong.

And I’ve done it.

It’s been about four years since I’ve hit one of my kids on the bottom, and if I remember correctly it was about three times each.  And they were all in the exact same situation: while trying to change a really messy, poopy diaper, Jake or Fiona wouldn’t keep still, and I got fed up and lost control and smacked them on the butt.  There’s nothing that will snap you back from the edge like seeing your hand-print on your kid’s skin.  But I think everybody probably has a certain situation that gets them frustrated more than anything else, and for me that was the kids squirming while I was trying to change a diaper.  I hate mess like that – poop, pee, puke, I guess “the three Ps” get to me more than anything – and it was just too much to have to fight the kids while cleaning them up.  So, a few times I snapped, and gave them a smack to get them to stop.

I’ve moved on since then, for several reasons.  First of all, Jake copies my behavior like you wouldn’t believe.  If I’m calm there’s a much better chance that he’ll remain calm and a situation won’t escalate.  Second, I’ve chilled out more as a mom.  I’m more confident, and with confidence comes control.  Third, they’re both old enough to tell on me.  All I would need is for them to go to school and tell somebody that their mom hits them.  That would be fan-fucking-tastic.

But I haven’t stopped getting frustrated in certain situations, so I’ve had to channel that frustration somewhere else, away from my hands.  It’s traveled to my mouth, and I yell.  So now that’s what I’ve been trying not to do.  And it’s hard.  But here’s why I want to stop: it doesn’t work on my kids!  Especially Jake.  I think he sees getting under my skin as a fun game, and if I blow my stack, he wins.  It doesn’t matter if he gets a punishment.  I can see a little gleam in his eye when I finally let loose with the yelling.  On the other hand, when I stay cool and calm and give him a punishment without emotion, he’s totally defeated.  He gets this look like “Wait, that’s not part of the game!   You changed the rules!”  So, I try not to yell.  I’ve gotten pretty good at controlling it (although if we’re in the car, all bets are off – that’s the place where I yell most, because they drive me insane in the car and there’s no way to separate or punish them them).

Towards the end of the interview we got into a discussion about whether or not those of us against spanking would spank if it were more socially acceptable.  It’s an interesting question.  I would like to think that that would have nothing to do with my decision to spank or not, but I have to face the fact that I deal with my children differently in public than I do in private.  So I have no idea.  Right now, if I’m in public and my kids are driving me crazy, and I don’t want to yell, I usually go for an arm grab or a hand squeeze.  Is that any better than spanking?  I don’t know.  It’s kind of like a silent spank.  It gets their attention by hurting them, if just a little.  God they can be frustrating.

I can’t figure it out.  It’s complicated.  What I want to do and what I end up doing are often two different things.  But that’s life.  I just try to be a little better each day, or at least not worse.

So, do you spank?  Does it work?  Do you wish you didn’t but can’t stop?  Spill it.  I’ve already put myself out there as a total hypocrite on the subject, on national TV no less.

Originally posted on Selfish Mom. All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted. Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.

Tags: Darlene Rodriguez, spanking, The Today Show

Tongue-tied

Oct 30, 2009 Amy in the Morning

Originally posted on Selfish Mom.  All opinions expressed on this website come straight from Amy unless otherwise noted.  Please visit Amy’s Full Disclosure page for more information.

Tags: Halloween, spanking, The Today Show, Thriller